The jaws that bite, the claws that… yeah okay, we’ll stop. It’s late November and the time of feast is almost upon us! So now it’s time to talk…
The Turkey is a bird most of us are familiar with (usually as a sandwich ingredient). They are native to North America, where they scrounge around in the brush for nuts, berries, and cigarette butts. They are most active in the spring, when the males attempt to court as many females and beat down as many humans as possible. “Hold up,” you say. “What was that last bit?”
“Oh,” I reply kindly, a twinkle in my eye “Yeah.”
For whatever reason, Turkeys will sometimes decide that a human is another, vastly inferior Turkey, who must be DESTROYED and sent to Turkey Hell. See, Turkeys are social animals with a strictly defined pecking order. (Get it? They peck each other in the face, that’s the joke.) So if one decides that they are better than you, they may try to put you in your place. By sending you straight to Turkey Hell. Do not let this happen.
TURKEY HELL! TURKEY HELL! TURKEY HELL!
However if a Turkey instead fluffs its butt feathers and struts around for you, it means he thinks that you are sexy sexy and he would like to get it on. he may also show off his snood. (Don’t panic! it’s the wobbly bit on top of the beak. The males use these to attract mates. Somehow. Personally they kind of make me want to throw up.) Luckily, Turkeys are not particularly dangerous, even if they will peck the dickens out of your car. (Your car is where their evil twin, Exactly The Same But Backwards, lives. One day they will destroy him and end his mockery.)
Turkeys were first domesticated by the Mayans, who tragically never invented cranberry sauce to go along with. They are now raised almost worldwide, as other cultures have come to appreciate their impressive sandwich-filling abilities. So if you’re sitting down for a Turkey dinner this week, make sure you take a quiet moment to honor this noble creature…
…and then dig in. And send that avian jerk straight to Turkey Hell.